MY INAUGURAL FILM REVIEW IN PROSAIC MAGAZINE

PRETTY PERSUASION tells a story of a beautiful, rich, unloved Beverly Hills brat who involves her whole town in a scandal just so she can satisfy her desire to be on TV. Like every slim, blonde…er, brunette, blue-eyed Barbie, Kimberly Joyce (played by an amazing Evan Rachel Wood) wants to be an actress. Badly. She wants it so much that she manipulates her two best friends and convinces them to sue their scruffy, somewhat pedophilic English teacher, Mr. Anderson, for sexual assault. And she gives oral sex to anyone, including a lesbian female reporter, who’ll get her closer to her dream of Hollywood domination. So it’s a little hard to swallow (pun intended) that this cruel, scarily-intelligent, sexy Lolita is only 15 years old.

As the story progresses from the courtroom to the actual events and back again, it slowly dawns on you that dear Kimberly is such a “dirty little whore” (courtesy of a poetic ex-boyfriend) because of her narcissistic, racist, perverted pig of a father. I mean, he wipes semen off his thigh from a recent jerk-off session while having a serious father-daughter talk with Kimberly and uses the same tissue again to blow his nose. Eww…

Peppered with racist comments and jokes that will have you laughing and coughing loudly to cover it up, PRETTY PERSUASION is pretty smart and funny. The Quickie-like film, along with a great soundtrack and in-you-face shots of its young, good-looking cast will take you on quite a gratifying ride.

However, the ending is as disappointing as a limp penis. I won’t tell you exactly what happened, but it goes entirely against Kimberly’s character and makes her seem human when you should hate her for the malicious, manipulative bitch that she is.

There I’ve said it. So sue me.

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My name is Red and I always have my hood on. I help my granny deliver her forest-famous goodies every day. I’ve always wanted to travel far, far away. I don’t know who the Goody Bandit is or why he/she/it is stealing recipes from every patisserie here.
OR DO I?

My name is Granny Puckett and the only crime I’ve ever committed is making sinfully- delicious goodies. And no, that is not a tattoo of three “G”s I have at the back of my neck. I’m just your average Grandma who loves to knit and play Bingo.
OR AM I?

My name is…uh…The Woodsman. I am the spokesperson of “Paul’s Bunion Cream”. I drive a Schnitzel truck. My dream is to be a yodeler for “The Sound Of Munich”. I didn’t mean to crash through Granny Puckett’s window with my axe. I was just practicing.
OR WAS I?